It's happened - kids in full day school and I'm home alone all day. I have a few friends in the same boat and they've been weeping all week. Literally weeping, literally all week. I have yet to shed a tear, which is surprising. This time I thought I'd go for the full mental break - stop eating, exercise obsessively, spend all day on facebook, plan to run away, listen to my thoughts race. On the plus side, I've lost 8 pounds! Yesterday I took the kids to buy a leopard gecko. My craziness takes many, many forms. He's actually very cute and we've named him Otis Jupiter, which is frankly awesome. I let him climb on my shirt with his funky little feet that grab everything. One of these days, Dave is really going to regret not giving in on the whole fourth baby deal. I think it would have been much easier to handle than this: what to do with a person who has suddenly become a glorified assistant, a handler?
It's taken me by surprise, really. I never thought about what it would mean when, for the largest part of their day, the monkeys wouldn't need me. I had a baby, and that was it, that was what I'd been waiting for, why I was here and suddenly meant everything to someone. I didn't know my job duties would change so dramatically and that I'd be obsolete. Oh boo-hoo, right?! I know it's right and it's good and that it's the natural order and I'm not even bemoaning it; I seriously just don't know WHAT TO DO NOW.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Sick Day with my Baby
Lydia is home sick today and I'm enjoying it. We're watching Bee Movie so I brought my laptop over. No interrupting snuggle time! Lydia is my baby at 5 1/2. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the passage of time and all those silly sayings, "it goes by so fast," "they grow up in the blink of an eye," and it is all so true. I guess that's why sayings become sayings???
It's hard to believe that in the fall, all my kids will be in school full day. Ten years seems like a short time to go from new mommy to mommy of school kids only. I got misty at the grocery store the other day looking at the BABY FOOD, thinking about all the things I won't buy again - diapers, Tylenol with a dropper, car seats. Now we're dealing with bullying, Hannah Montana, sleepovers, sports. Not that all the new experiences aren't wonderful in their own right (well, not the bullying). It's just that I miss that sweet newness and expectation.
On the other hand, I get to take my little guy on a ski trip without everyone else. He's old enough, and honestly a better skier than I am, to make it pretty easy. I was planning a visit to Park City with my sister and she broke her arm. Rather than ski alone all day, I'm going to take Owen and her little boy Sage, who is a buttkicking skier, along during the day and we'll all hang at night. So we're at a fun age, where he's old enough to be a little independent but not old enough to be embarrassed by me.
I realize how self-indulgent some of this melancholy is. We have our health, my husband still has a job and we live in a house we can afford! I'm just baffled by the fact that I'm 41 years old. How did THAT happen? Do you realize I can join AARP in only 8 1/2 years? That's absurd. Actually, that makes me feel like hyperventilating. I think I need a Girl Scout Cookie or ten....
It's hard to believe that in the fall, all my kids will be in school full day. Ten years seems like a short time to go from new mommy to mommy of school kids only. I got misty at the grocery store the other day looking at the BABY FOOD, thinking about all the things I won't buy again - diapers, Tylenol with a dropper, car seats. Now we're dealing with bullying, Hannah Montana, sleepovers, sports. Not that all the new experiences aren't wonderful in their own right (well, not the bullying). It's just that I miss that sweet newness and expectation.
On the other hand, I get to take my little guy on a ski trip without everyone else. He's old enough, and honestly a better skier than I am, to make it pretty easy. I was planning a visit to Park City with my sister and she broke her arm. Rather than ski alone all day, I'm going to take Owen and her little boy Sage, who is a buttkicking skier, along during the day and we'll all hang at night. So we're at a fun age, where he's old enough to be a little independent but not old enough to be embarrassed by me.
I realize how self-indulgent some of this melancholy is. We have our health, my husband still has a job and we live in a house we can afford! I'm just baffled by the fact that I'm 41 years old. How did THAT happen? Do you realize I can join AARP in only 8 1/2 years? That's absurd. Actually, that makes me feel like hyperventilating. I think I need a Girl Scout Cookie or ten....
Friday, February 20, 2009
Things Change in a Moment
What a strange week this has been. I've had a pretty great time, really. I love spending time at the school, even though I'm working on more things than I'd intended too. I love that I know so many of the kids, through Brownies, Daisies, classroom volunteering and just as friends of the kids. I love the friends who I can call throughout the day just to giggle, gripe or whatever.
Feeling so fortunate too. One friend is out of town, keeping watch as her brother undergoes an amputation of his leg after fighting really hard for over a year to save it. Other friends learned over the weekend that their new baby boy has Down Syndrome. It's humbling to be around people who handle life-changing news with grace, love and openness. Oh, I have to post this thing I read years ago. My best friend Brandy passed it on then and I searched for it last night to send our friends. This piece was written by a woman who had a special needs child and I just love it:
Welcome to Holland
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Emily Perl Kingsley 1987
Isn't that beautiful? Lastly, someone almost hit us head-on yesterday on a busy, high-speed road. I had the left arrow and she barrelled through the red light and I slammed on the brakes and it was just inches, seriously. I had Lydia in the car with me and it scared me senseless. I could see this woman, like in slow motion, with her mouth open, looking horrified. It would have been a bad accident, I think. All of these things have made me think again of how very, very quickly everything we know, expect and love can change and reminds me to pay attention right now to all these great things in life.
In that spirit, I'm closing the laptop to snuggle my kids, even though the price is watching Alvin and the Chipmunks - again.
Feeling so fortunate too. One friend is out of town, keeping watch as her brother undergoes an amputation of his leg after fighting really hard for over a year to save it. Other friends learned over the weekend that their new baby boy has Down Syndrome. It's humbling to be around people who handle life-changing news with grace, love and openness. Oh, I have to post this thing I read years ago. My best friend Brandy passed it on then and I searched for it last night to send our friends. This piece was written by a woman who had a special needs child and I just love it:
Welcome to Holland
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Emily Perl Kingsley 1987
Isn't that beautiful? Lastly, someone almost hit us head-on yesterday on a busy, high-speed road. I had the left arrow and she barrelled through the red light and I slammed on the brakes and it was just inches, seriously. I had Lydia in the car with me and it scared me senseless. I could see this woman, like in slow motion, with her mouth open, looking horrified. It would have been a bad accident, I think. All of these things have made me think again of how very, very quickly everything we know, expect and love can change and reminds me to pay attention right now to all these great things in life.
In that spirit, I'm closing the laptop to snuggle my kids, even though the price is watching Alvin and the Chipmunks - again.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Breaking the Bad Sleep Habits
I've just learned my first painful blog lesson: do not hit "back" from the preview screen. Bye-bye words! Luckily I didn't do a lot; I'm taking it slow to start.
I really enjoy reading my cousins' blogs and decided to give it a try. Tonight's topic is the dysfunctional sleep situation in my house. Our 5 year old is still sleeping with me, our 7 year old comes rolling in to join us before midnight every night, and our 9 year old also gets one night a week to sleep in the bed too. I'm so tired! Dave has it even worse, as he gets to play musical beds. Oh, we also didn't crate train the puppy, so he's in the bed too and enjoys sleeping on the pillows with his head resting on someone's face. Tonight I made both girls go to bed in their room. As I type, Lydia is asleep and Ella is wandering in and out of our room, sometimes crying, telling us how scared she is. Both girls are in the bottom bunk. Cozy. I have to stay strong. I hear sniffling.
I really need to get a photo of the dog up here. He was neutered last week and has to wear one of those silly cones for two weeks. It's so degrading. Would it be cruel to decorate the cone with pompoms and glitter glue?
I'm going to take advantage of the lull and try to get some sleep. My first post is about to be published - yippee!
I really enjoy reading my cousins' blogs and decided to give it a try. Tonight's topic is the dysfunctional sleep situation in my house. Our 5 year old is still sleeping with me, our 7 year old comes rolling in to join us before midnight every night, and our 9 year old also gets one night a week to sleep in the bed too. I'm so tired! Dave has it even worse, as he gets to play musical beds. Oh, we also didn't crate train the puppy, so he's in the bed too and enjoys sleeping on the pillows with his head resting on someone's face. Tonight I made both girls go to bed in their room. As I type, Lydia is asleep and Ella is wandering in and out of our room, sometimes crying, telling us how scared she is. Both girls are in the bottom bunk. Cozy. I have to stay strong. I hear sniffling.
I really need to get a photo of the dog up here. He was neutered last week and has to wear one of those silly cones for two weeks. It's so degrading. Would it be cruel to decorate the cone with pompoms and glitter glue?
I'm going to take advantage of the lull and try to get some sleep. My first post is about to be published - yippee!
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