Trying

When I ask myself, "what would mom want?" I am unsure of the answer.  I don't think this is a scenario she ever envisioned.  She worried about us and was always thinking about how to be helpful to other people - her family, her friends, those who worked for her.   I don't think she imagined not being in our lives.

The only thing I can think of is that she wouldn't want a part of us to die too.  It's felt that way; like the person I was is gone too, or badly damaged.  I have no spark, no sass, no funny left right now and I don't know how to reclaim any of it.  All I can do now is try - try to be the mom I was or need to be, the wife David needs, the friend she would be, the strong person that she believed in.

As soon as I finish this, I will turn off Desperate Housewives, clean up, do some laundry, and go have lunch with my daughters.  All I can do right now is try, and then try harder.  I know she believed in me, despite my failures and setbacks, and I don't want that faith to be misplaced.

Mom, I love you so much and I hope that somehow, you'll put your hand on my shoulder and push me a little (or put your foot on my butt and give it a kick when necessary).

I miss you every minute, pretty lady.  Stay close, please.