High School, Hot Flashes, and Sobriety

My oldest baby started high school this morning. HIGH SCHOOL! Yes, I just shouted that. It's completely ridiculous. Clearly, kids are not ready for high school until about 20. Voting, driving, drinking - 25 at a bare minimum. He good-naturedly (sort of) held up an index card with the number "9" on it - that's a thing now and I usually try to do a little bit of what are "things" at the moment. He's forbidden me to post the photo of him holding up his "9" next to a photo of him with his "I'm a Brand-New Kindergartner!" sign from (of course) - nine years ago. 

My youngest baby starts middle school today, in about 90 minutes. All those nice older people who told me that it all goes by so fast and to appreciate every moment? Well screw it all - they were right.  It might have been better received were the message not regularly delivered by complete strangers in the grocery store or Target when kids were screaming, pooping their pants, breaking things, etc., but damn if it isn't true. 

It seems especially cruel to have all these emotional milestones occurring while, apparently, my biological purpose on Earth is beginning its last hurrah. HOT FLASHES. Yes, I just shouted that too. I apologize for ever laughing about them. Sometimes I laugh too, because they are so weird. Other times I get really angry, so the family has learned to sit in silence, waiting to see which reaction this particular event is going to elicit. Really fun times, probably 20 per day. And woe to the child or husband who questions my need to tell them every. single. time. that I am HAVING A HOT FLASH. Oversharing? Maybe. Or up yours. I don't care. If all this heat and sweating were an effective form of weight loss, I'd be enjoying my coffee in my prom dress, size 2 people! It's in my closet, waiting patiently.

The miraculous thing is that I'm walking through all this mess, this life, this crazy, completely sober. Four years in August. Given my genetic propensity, my background, my sincere LOVE of alcohol, this is quite honestly miraculous. It's still hard. Not every day, not even every week, but in the moments when it IS hard, oh my God, it's so hard. Right now, I have been showing up for my family, more often than not - WAY more - for the better part of sixteen years. Having been not shown up for by one of my parents due to the ravages of alcoholism, I know this is a gift - not necessarily as much for THEM as I'm highly imperfect, but a gift for me. I get to be here and watch these people grow, and often do a decently okay job of mothering. World's Most Okay Mom!!! And I'm married to A WONDERFUL PERSON. Both of my parents were married several times. I have been married once, for SIXTEEN YEARS! (Yes, I know, say it again, anyone who knows it; I'll lead the chorus: "David is wonderful, he is a great guy, you are so lucky." It would be annoying were it not about 98% true. 

Of course, I cannot get through a full post without mentioning my mom, because, since she died, that's what I do. I still say her name aloud. Often. If that's weird, well, look at the source. I'm weird. And I miss, miss, miss my mom. I want to talk to her about high school boys, and teenage girls (she's pretty much an expert on that particular brand of scary), about hot flashes, and about sobriety. She broke the rules about letting me hit my own bottom sometimes, and told me she had no regrets about it. She believed, and may well have been right, that she probably kept me alive, or at least from suffering something very terrible, more than once. She'd be so excited to see that I'm sober, because when she died, I was only 7 months sober, and it had been very rocky, a very tough 18-month stretch. I HOPE HOPE HOPE that those who are gone get to see what we're doing, or at least get a newsletter or something.

Endings are always hard for me, so today, I'll just say "bye" and hope whatever struggle you're facing, you emerge smiling.