The questions that have no answers

I haven't posted in a while.  Sometimes I have nothing to say and other times I have too much to say.  Unfortunately I have two settings, off and overdrive.  I'm working on finding medium.

Things have been racing through the brain, especially at night.  I think about a time in our lives when mom and I were on our best ground when living together- I think it was probably when we lived in our house on Erie in Cincinnati.  She had just divorced and I was a senior at Purcell.  I just loved that time.  I don't want to forget anything - like at Skyline: mom ordered 4-way onion, whereas I'm a 4-way bean gal.  For all intents and purposes, my mom was a single parent to my sister and me for the majority of our lives and having the girls' only house was really, really great.  I walk through the rooms of that house in my mind now, and more and more details come back.  I find myself asking why human emotion is so unbalanced - at least for me.  Joy, peace, happiness - they come in moments, in hours, and if I'm really lucky - days.  Depression, sadness, grief - they come in weeks, months, seasons.

I haven't been writing about the events in Houston for several reasons.  For those who are wondering, the case is still being completed on the investigation.  I can only say that I'm very glad I don't drive the streets of Houston.  Working within this vast, disjointed system has convinced me that some serious work needs to be done on the oversight of commercial drivers, the vehicles they operate, and the companies that put them on our highways.  When the time is right, I'll have more to say about that and might even decide to talk to some lawmakers in the great state of Texas.  People deserve to be safe on our nation's roads.  

Someone told me shortly after this happened that I would be surprised by the people who suddenly disappeared from my life and by those who suddenly stepped in and became a source of comfort and support.  True and true.  I know that I am a downer.  I understand people don't know what to say.  For some, I think it scares them, or maybe even gives them a sense of luck, of relief - if it happens to our family, it's not happening to theirs.  I used to feel that way about plane crashes - if there was one close to a time when I was going to be traveling, then OBVIOUSLY my plane would be just FINE!

Speaking of plane crashes, my mother once had a serious fear of flying, which she overcame to a remarkable extent.  She was able to fall asleep on planes prior to takeoff in her recent years.  My mom was SUCH a strong woman, such a survivor, and always able to find a positive in a bad situation.  I too was afraid and still have moments of nervousness.  Recently I had a dream that I was on a plane that was going down.  I've had those before, but always land safely, or wake up.  This time I dreamt through impact - we were diving straight into the ground and I was thinking "please don't hurt" - then we hit and it was instantly a blinding flash of white light.  I'm not sure what it indicates.  I also dream of being lost.  Of mom calling me or me phoning her but not being able to find each other.  I so want a dream where she wraps her arms around me and tells me everything is okay, but so far it's not happened.  Some of the dreams are so frightening and even gruesome that I can't share them here.  At any rate, it's tiring to have my day filled with sadness or longing and my nights filled with bad dreams.

My saving graces are family and friends - the things that matter in life.  My children continue to make me smile and have hope.  Lydia called Dave "Pa" last night - we are reading Little House in the Big Woods.  What a little ham.  Soccer games, Girl Scouts, movies - every time we do something like this together, it makes me believe just a little bit more that life can go on, even though it looks different now.  I have a few friends who call me, again and again, despite knowing I don't have a lot of sunshine to spread and I love them with all my heart for their persistence and belief in my resilience.

The sun shines in my neck of the woods this morning.  I'm trying to love my life as best I can.  And I am missing my mother through it all.  Peace.

Trying

When I ask myself, "what would mom want?" I am unsure of the answer.  I don't think this is a scenario she ever envisioned.  She worried about us and was always thinking about how to be helpful to other people - her family, her friends, those who worked for her.   I don't think she imagined not being in our lives.

The only thing I can think of is that she wouldn't want a part of us to die too.  It's felt that way; like the person I was is gone too, or badly damaged.  I have no spark, no sass, no funny left right now and I don't know how to reclaim any of it.  All I can do now is try - try to be the mom I was or need to be, the wife David needs, the friend she would be, the strong person that she believed in.

As soon as I finish this, I will turn off Desperate Housewives, clean up, do some laundry, and go have lunch with my daughters.  All I can do right now is try, and then try harder.  I know she believed in me, despite my failures and setbacks, and I don't want that faith to be misplaced.

Mom, I love you so much and I hope that somehow, you'll put your hand on my shoulder and push me a little (or put your foot on my butt and give it a kick when necessary).

I miss you every minute, pretty lady.  Stay close, please.

Feathers Brush My Heart

I'm reading a book called Feathers Brush My Heart, stories from women who have lost their mothers and their experiences afterwards of signs from their mom.  I look for signs every day.  I had one unusual experience the other day - who knows.  A bird flew into the glass door; I heard that telltale thunk sound.  It happens a few times a year and I didn't investigate immediately.  About 15 minutes later, I went outside for a cigarette (I know, I know - quit date is targeted for April 17th).  I looked down and in the snowbank by the door, I saw a bird's quivering tail, that's all.  It was buried in the snow and all that was showing was its tail and feet.  I got a shovel that we've been using to scrape ice from the deck and scooped it out, snow and all, thinking that it would do what most birds do: die shortly.  I gently dumped the bird out on the grass and as the snow fell away, it flew off.  I've never seen that happen - ever.

My sister told me that recently mom shared that she had been having dreams she was flying.  Not in an airplane, but flying on her own.  She told Kelsey that she LOVED the dreams, that it was so much fun!  It's a wonderful gift for a person who was once deathly afraid of flying.  Mom overcame a flying phobia years ago and got to visit so many exciting places.  She visited places like Guam and many South American countries for business - when there, she had to travel with an armed driver because of the kidnapping threat.  I think she found it pretty thrilling.  Mom and John traveled abroad a lot with friends and family.  Their last big trip was Italy and Greece.  

One thing I appreciate and love about my mom is that she truly was an optimist; not in the Pollyanna sense that all people are wonderful and every day is super-duper groovy.  But she believed that things could and would always improve and that no matter how dark and scary life sometimes could be, that the lows didn't stay low.  She was truly fearless, and when she WAS scared, she just picked herself up and went headlong into things until she wasn't afraid anymore.  She was just SO STRONG in so many ways.

Tomorrow the kids and I travel to Florida.  We booked these tickets eight days before mom died.  I'm happy to be in her place among her things, but am scared of how sad that might feel.  Most of the time, this still feels completely unreal and absurd.  How can someone we love this fiercely not be here?  I feel her presence and her memory in every second of the day.

Isn't she lovely..

Miss you mommy.  I am not having those brief moments some have where I forget that you're gone.  I fall asleep with it, I wake with it and it's always, always there.  I wish I could dream about you.  Last night I had my first dream with you in it, but it was at your funeral.  I need your voice and your laugh.

Quickly

1)  I feel pathetic that I have no followers.  I feel pathetic for feeling pathetic about that.

2)  I love that my husband gave me Laura Hillenbrand's (remember Seabiscuit) new book, Unbroken, for Christmas.  Clearly a book about World War II isn't my usual thing, but I love it.  It took me a little bit of time to get into it, but now that I have a few things stand out.

The level of sacrifice that everyone assumed during the war.  Everyone understood that actions have consequences.  War is ugly.  There is a cost.  Everyone was involved.  Today it's all so removed, so sanitary.  The ugliness is all kept far, far away and few people truly have a vested interest.

Reading about the horrors these people faced for months, years on end, makes me feel like a pampered little crybaby.  The fact that anyone made it home alive and with a functional mind left is incredible.  I take way too much for granted and spend far too much time being introspective.  Like worrying about the fact no one reads my blog.

Going light and non-controversial this morning... partly

I considered writing about Gabrielle Giffords and the other people shot in Tucson yesterday because my mind is so full words - loud words,angry words, sad words.  Instead I'm going to share my smoothie recipe with the modifications for Lydia.   Oh - I did put in my two cents on the gun thing at the end of this post.

I use this a lot after school and the kids love it.  Yes, it's a bit of a pain to get the stuff, but once the ingredients are on hand, not so much.  I've tinkered with it a lot but it's a winner for all three, which is rare.

Makes 3 16 oz. servings
1 1/2  to 2 cups Stonyfield Farm organic yogurt - strawberry or Banilla (both are low fat)
4 oz pomegranate juice - newer addition, sub o.j. if  desired
2 oz orange juice
6-8 ice cubes
1 cup frozen organic strawberries
2 frozen bananas (I buy them, peel them, break them in chunks and store in a big ziploc bag)

Blend it!  Pour out 2 servings for those who DON'T need to gain weight.
ADD:
1 Tablespoon avocado oil
1/2 to 3/4 packet Carnation breakfast essentials, vanilla flavor

This bad boy has 350-400 calories for Skinny Minnie and only about 175 for the other two - less than a comparable amount of chocolate milk for example and with much more good stuff.  Add blueberries, mango or whatever else strikes their (or your) fancy.

I fought the urge and have failed so I just want to say this:  Guns don't kill people; people kill people.  Uh... WITH GUNS.  It's about easy access and impulse so much of the time.  Could Jared Loughner have stabbed Representative Giffords?  Well sure!  Could he have stabbed 18 other people in that span of time.  Hell no!  Could the 12 year-old son (that's right, TWELVE) of a dear friend's secretary have hung himself rather than killing himself with a family hunting rifle because of a breakup with a girl?  Of course.  Might he have been less inclined to do so with a less-instantaneous and irrevocable option?  Well, that one, unfortunately, we will just never know.

I'm so sick of hearing about gun deaths, and not "sick of" as in "bored with" - like "I'm sick of doing laundry" for example.  Sick to my stomach, sick at heart, sick with the endless losses.  When will we wake up and demand better of and for people?

What's been happening for the last 16 months...

I can't possibly cover all this ground.  Let's see... I relapsed, acted crazy, had horrible experiences and traumatized those who love me, went to outpatient rehab, started and quit smoking again, went back to AA, tried to get my shit back together and have hopefully gotten myself and my family on solid footing again.  There is a lot of very writeable material in that period, but current events are just more pressing. 

Let's talk about Lydia!  Did you know that a 7 year-old could receive treatment at an eating disorder center.  Well I did not!  I cried when we were referred there; though I know in my head that we've tried everything, it still feels like a colossal failure on my part.  This has not been a fun journey.  BUT... she gained some weight this week, and tonight she hit 40 pounds on our home scale - first time EVER.  I am too tired to do this tonight I think, but I felt like if I didn't start posting on here again soon, I would forget again.  The curse of my short attention span.

It may be that no one ever reads this, and that's fine too.  I feel scattered and sad tonight, so outraged and sickened by the shootings in Tucson today.  This country is in deep, deep trouble. 
Sweet dreams to anyone out there...